Sunday, July 23, 2006

Weekly Wrap-Up



I've always thought I would use tough discipline on my children, but I dont want to spank them or send them to their rooms, I want something unconventional. Now I know, if my (future) children disobey me, I will force them to watch Pirate of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. I can say without exaggeration this is the worst movie I've ever seen in theaters, and probably the worst movie I've watch all the way through (most bad movies I am watching on DVD/tv I turn off). I had said similar things about the movie "Family Stone" which I saw on an airplace earlier this year, but I would've given my life to watch Family Stone again if I could get away from Pirates. I'm not going to give a full review because most of the movie was so utterly boring, for me to describe it in detail would be boring to read. So I'll just highlight the very end


THE BIG ENDING TO THE WORST MOVIE EVER:


Suddenly it all turns into...

STAR WARS!

Yes, worst producer in the world Jerry Bruckheimer desparately wants the acclaim and myth of George Lucas. He has come close
(this version of Pirates actually broke records for biggest movie opening, EVER! a feat that is broken every few years, I believe the Harry Potter movies and both Spider Mans are in that top ten)

What I derive from the end of this movie is Bruckheimer was thinking about how he loved Star Wars and wouldnt it be cool to be George Lucas, that genius! And being lame as he is, he opted out of renting the Star Wars triliogy and got all six Star Wars (making sure to get the 'special edition' ones where they digitally Jaba the Hut back in the first one and digitally replace the Old Darth Vader's ghost at the end of "Jedi Strike Back" with a lame looking Hayden Christianson)

But I'll get to my point. Bruckheimer watched all of these and fell asleep after he watched The Empire Strikes Back! He then woke up the next day, and called a meeting with the scriptwriters (who may or may not be free college interns). Bruckheimer walks into the room, a group of about fifteen underweight 19 year olds sit around the table. Several are doing Soduko. He pounds his fist on the table, and all of them look up at him . He then orders some ideas at them that he may subconsciously have thought was his own.
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"Uh, but Mr Bruckheimer,"
the nineteen year old head script writer interupts "The studio wants the final script tomorrow, we wont have time to even edit it. We would have to work for 16 hours straight, and I think we are at least entitled to a break!"


Bruckheimer, obviously agitated and still fixated on movies he has previous seen responds, "Son, we use words like honor, code, loyalty... we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline"

(A few of the scriptwriters begin laughing, having gotten pretty stoned on the way to work and assuming Mr Bruckheimer is joking. He shoots them a dirty look and raises his voice.) "I have neither the time, nor the inclination to explain myself to men who rise and sleep under the BLANKET of the very freedom I provide, then question the manner in which I provide it."

(Scriptwriters look around confused and paranoid, many still drunk from the previous nights festivities in which they also got Production Assistants who were working for high school credits drunk and passed them around like cheap whores. Bruckheimer continues.) "I'd prefer you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a pen and start the script. Either way, I dont give a DAMN what you think you're entitled to."

Bruckheimer then dictates his ideas to the scriptwriters, and I painfully observed the results in the movie last night:

-A wise, old sage lives in a mysterious dark swamp, where the hero must go to learn ways to defeat his mortal enemy, the evil Darth Vader/Davey Jones.

-A bubling love story begins as sexual tension ensues between the hero and the only female lead. Ford-Fischer/Depp-Knightly

-A young, up and coming hero who is overshadowed by the main hero (Luke v Han Solo) must come to terms with his monster father, and discover that this monster father has some humanity after all

-At the end of the movie, Depp is handcuffed to the mast of a ship (his right hand of course, which has had a black mark of death on it the whole time; this and later events foretale him as the Christ figure.) Suddenly the huge sea monster rises up from the ocean to get Depp This is the third attempt by the sea monster to get this one ship, despite early scenes with a different ship showing all he needs to do is grab it and it smashes within seconds. That is unless main characters are aboard. [The sea monster somehow grows weaker, like me and many others probably stunned and disillusioned when realizing the actor who played amazing roles in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Blow is apparently imprisoned by contract and couldnt legally reject the script that was handed to him]


-Jack Sparrow (Depp) is desparately trying to get his right hand free from the cuff so he can flee this monster. For a moment I suspected he would draw his sword and chop of his hand (Jack Bauer wasnt around for assitance), fulfilling many predictable cliches and lining up with Luke losing his hand. But alas its Disney and thats too bloody, Depp uses lamp oil to slip his hand out, but its too late! The monster slowly and dramatically rises behind him in what looked like poor special effects (on a positive note every other CGI in this movie is up to par)

-Sparrow, in what was probably the low point of Depp's career (Colin Powell at the UN-esque) holds up his sword bravely and leans in as the gigantic CGI sea monster spits what is either mucus or seamen at Depp, and then Depp gallops into the monsters mouth.

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What will happen to Luke? I mean Jack? Will the wise old sage at the dark swamp guide the sailors to a jedi-like voyage? Will Orlando Bloom come to terms with his monster-father, in his quest to show he has humanity? Will Kiera Knightly discover Orlando Blooom is his brother and fall for Jack Sparrow (its a possibility since they made clear Knightly hasnt had relations with Bloom yet)

The movie ends with Knightly, Bloom some castmates and two really annoying comic relief characters, (who are not necessary at all because the main characters themselves are used for comic relief frequently, and the movie itself is a semi-comedy, especially situational.) Anyway they are all at the swamp with the Yoda like character toasting Jack Sparrow because he dead, but the Yoda character explains there is a way to bring back Jack Sparrow. He will rise from the dead, as all Christ-figures do, like Luke Skywalker in the original Star Wars, or Anakin Skywalker in the later prequels!

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In conclusion, I would like to apologize to the producers, director and scriptwriters for The Family Stone (I never blamed the actors, who I mostly liked.) I previously decried this as the worst movie ever. I was being overdramatic. Comparing it to Pirates, I would love to watch this nonsensical movie....actually I dont apologize to the scriptwriters but the director and producers only. I really believe Pirates is the worst movie I've ever seen. But I havnt seen a lot of movies, Im no Dave Iaccui! So I consulted a list from IMDB.com for the Worst Movies Ever list. I hadnt seen the very top and stopped on the first movie that I HAVE seen all the way through:






KAZAAM!

As a child, way back when, I actually did see this movie, all the way through to the end. I would never have admitted this shame before, but I am doing so because I think its important to help others. I want to be very honest. Yes, I have seen Kazaam, and yes Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest is worse, much worse, then Kazaam

1 comment:

Andrew said...

The person who wrote this movie seems to be a Star Wars geek who is in love with either Luke or Leah (probably Luke). Pirates did have it's similarites to Star Wars, but that could be said about any connecting movie ever made. Let's take the Matrix for example. Hmm looks to me like some of the characters have their similarities:

Some comparisons between characters

Neo- Luke Skywalker
Trinity- Princess Leia
Morpheous- Han Solo
Smith- Darth Vader
Niobe- Lando Calrission
Merovingian- Jabba the Hut
The Trainman- Bobba Fett
The Oracle- Obi Wan

The end of The Empire Strikes Back ended similar to Matrix Reloaded. We have a character in a LIMBO like state (Han Solo and Neo). They are both in control by similar characters who don't want to give them up easily (Jabba-Merovingian). They are rescued by the girlfriends ( Trinity and Leia) We are introduced into a character that has been friends with the captains. (Niobe and Lando) There is a big fight between the Hero's and the villians (Neo-Smith, Luke-Darth)

Wanna take it a step farther? How about a movie that stood on it's own...Passion of the Christ.

Luke = Christ
Darth = Devil

Luke gets put in a grave for three days with preists not wanting to let him out. Han Solo gets trapped in frozen carbonite by Jabba the Hut.

Luke cuts off Darth Vader's hand, Christ is portrayed as stepping on a snake.

Christ defeats the devil. Luke defeats Vader.

But wait a minute...the last time I checked the Bible was written before Star Wars was. So could this mean Lucas stole his characters and story from Jesus Christ himself? And since Jack Sparrow was Luke...who was Christ...that means Sparrow is Christ too!

I'm not trying to be offensive here I'm just making a point. Movies are made to be enjoyed. To the author, shut the hell up and just watch the movie.

P.S. Kazaam sucked